It has been a hard year. Actually it’s been a hard couple of years which culminated in a break down of my health. There were points when I thought I would break down so I made a promise to myself: to keep pushing until the office closed for the December holidays. It wasn’t easy and on some days I could barely keep up a smile which was hard because when your core focus is people, you need to show up. In the end I succumbed and ended up going to see a doctor who diagnosed me with gastritis. Great I thought, now I had something to tell the team which justified my mood and lack of appetite. Finally I had an outlet with which to mask the truth of what was really going on with my system; and they bought into it, phew. This probably sounds idiotic but it made sense to me.
Anyway, so here I am, Day One: December 21, 2017. I am finally on leave and can focus on restoring myself. I am going to be taking it easy, moving at my own pace – meditating, reflecting and working out. I am going to learn how to love myself again, put myself first and eat right. So far so good. I woke up with a smile this morning and even though there was a moment where I was thinking of work, I didn’t jump out of bed instead I went back to sleep. I have a couple of things I need to do before we re-open but I am going to do it at my own pace. When I finally woke up and got going, I worked out for about 45 minutes and although I couldn’t keep up all the time but I did it and that is all that matters (pats self on the back).
I took some time out afterwards to record a little video because I want to document this change. I also took a selfie, something that I am going to do more often to remind myself that I exist and that I am beautiful. There is a history attached to this but it is too soon for me to delve that deep. They say you know you’ve overcome something when you no longer cry when you talk about it. I am not ready.
It will have been 18 days on this journey when I go back to work. When I got n the scale this morning, it read 99.7kg. I won’t be getting back onto it until a month has passed because it is not my main measure. I am just including it because it is one of the health measures that exists. My main focus will be on healing myself, confronting issues i have not dealt with, being kind to myself and enjoying the simple things in life. I thought I was doing this all along and to some extent, I have been, but I have also been short changing myself – postponing it to ‘tomorrow’. This is what we do, get so caught up in other things and forget ourselves. I am returning to self and as a treat, I am heading out for a Thai massage because it’s something I love, be(the)cause #LoveLaughterLight.